


S. H.

by awkwardly_antisocial



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: And titles, Angst, I'm Bad At Summaries, My First Work in This Fandom, Or At Least I Tried, and probably failed, lmao rip, the story is better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 21:57:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10728069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardly_antisocial/pseuds/awkwardly_antisocial
Summary: Just Haise's thoughts a few days after the battle with the Serpent (at least how i imagine it)The story is better ok





	S. H.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Tokyo Ghoul nor any of its characters. If I did, maybe they'd actually be happy  
> This was originaly posted on fanfiction.net but yeah, I transferred it here.

„Yes. No information about Aoigiri Tree.", came a voice of one investigator.

„Maybe Torso is connected to them?" , suggested another.

„There's a good chance for that. But wouldn't that mean Serpent is working for the Tree as well?", replied someone.

„Rank One Sasaki," Akira snapped his wavering attention back to the subject at hand, „what do you think?

„Hmm, maybe. That'd be very troublesome. But Serpent's actions don't match up to those of Aogiri, correct?" he replied, holding the bridge of his nose between his fingers in hope that the headache will go away.

„What do you mean, they don't match?" asked Shimoguchi, with a clear dislike for Sasaki in his tone.

„Well, Aogiri Tree is set on attacking us, the CCG. Serpent, for some reason, seems more interested in fighting with other ghouls. This time, it seems like he was helping out Torso, which is weird since Torso is known for working solo. Therefore, I find it unlikely that he is working with the Tree." Haise replied.

„That _is_ a good point." agreed Hirako. „My squad will look into this, as Serpent is our investigation target. Shimoguchi squad, you will look into Torso's connection to the Tree. Mado squad, you are freed from this case, feel free to pursue another one. We shall end the meeting here.

Haise got up, never feeling more glad about a meeting being over. His head was on the edge of exploding, all he wanted was to go back to the chateau, lie down and fall asleep.

„Haise, may I have a word with you?" Akira asked, walking past him.

„Oh, sure, I'm coming." he replied, with an internal sigh. The day wasn't over yet.

He walked out of the room and looked around. Akira was leaning against the wall besides the exit door, arms crossed over her chest. Haise pushed his way through the crowd of people, all either eager to get home after a long day of work or mentally getting ready for hours of work. After a lot of sorry's and excuse me's were exchanged, he was in the clear. Akira's eyes caught his and she smiled a little bit, walking over to where he was.

„Hey. Wanna go for a walk? It's a nice evening." she proposed once she was standing only a few feet away from him.

„Yeah, sure." he responded, walking out of the building with Akira.

 

 

They were both quiet, and soon enough they found themselves in a park. It really was a nice evening. The park always looked beautiful at this time of the year, and since it was getting kinda late, there weren't much people there. Haise looked around, taking in the beautiful sight of the nature. Birds were chirping quietly, as if singing a lullaby to their little ones. The wind was like a piano accompaniment to their song, and the trees were decorations to this already beautiful scene. The only sound that didn't quite fit in this theme was the sound of a child laughing. It intrigued Haise, so he looked over to the source of the laughter.

At the very moment he looked over, a little boy was being raised in the air by what Haise guessed was the child's his father while a kind looking woman was smiling widely and taking pictures, probably his mother. The very scene probably wouldn't be interesting to anyone normal. But Haise wasn't exactly the definition of normal. He couldn't tear his eyes from the scene and a million thoughts came to his mind, all about the same topic: Were his parents like that? Did they take him to the park as well? Did his father raise him in the air like that, making him burst with laughter? Did his mother smile at him like that, while looking at him with those loving eyes? But most of all, is that what having a family is like? At that very moment, Haise felt a certain unease in his heart. Maybe this reminded him of his childhood, maybe he used to be this happy as well? Or maybe, was it an ache that represented the lack of family, of memories, the lack of..life?

He was so enchanted in this happy scene that he bumped into Akira's back. He didn't even notice that she stopped. But she didn't budge when his chest colided with her back. No, she was looking at the exact same scene Haise was looking at moments ago. But her eyes, those normally cold and piercing eyes, held a certain emotion in them. Was it...sadness?

„Akira?" he called out quietly after some time. She didn't move.

„Akira?" he tried again a little louder. Still nothing.

He sighed, put a hand on her shoulder, shook her a bit, and tried again, "Akira?"

This time, she jolted, as if something snapped inside of her and tore her eyes from the family, „Oh, Haise, sorry. You were saying something?"

„No, it's just, you suddenly stopped, so...Is everything okay?" Haise asked, concern clear in his voice.

Akira smiled not a very believeable smile and shook her head. She looked at the family again, and after a few moments back at Haise. Then, she said, „I didn't even notice we were heading here. My parents used to take me here when I was little, you know."

Oh. So, that's why she looked so sad. Haise knows about what happened to Akira's family. Her mother died when she was younger in a battle against the One-Eyed Owl and her father was killed by Rabbit and Fueguchi a few years ago. This was the reason for Akira's determination to find and execute her fathers' killers. Haise imagined it must be hard. He has no memories of his parents nor what having a family is like, so he can't say he misses it. It's a huge blank page for him. But Akira, she's known what that feels like, and she's lost it. So, for her, it must be really hard, having to go on without it. Because, at the end of the day, all everyone wants is a home, someone to come back to. And losing that is hard to deal with. That's why he admired her so much. She didn't give up, no matter what. She has a goal and she's not gonna stop until she fulfills it. She's the kind of strong Haise aspires to. He didn't know what to say, so he just nodded and maintained the eye contact.

After a few moments of simply looking at each other, Akira spoke up again, „But talking about me isn't the reason I asked you to join me for a walk. I wanted to check if you're okay."

„Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" Haise said, unconsciously touching his chin with his left hand.

„Are you, though?" , Akira pursued the matter and started to walk again, „You've been spacing in and out of this world ever since your fight with Serpent. So, I just wanted to check if everything is alright?"

„Oh. That." he replied, the images of the fight flashing in his mind. And then, the last thing he remembers before he lost control, calling Serpent 'senpai'. He didn't quite understand why he said it. But when he saw the Serpent's face, when the Serpent called him by some other name, he couldn't quite remember what, everything became blurry and there was this voice in his head, telling him to fight, to devour, to hurt them. It was as if someone has taken over his body. He probably knew Serpent in the past. That scared him a little. Serpent was an S, almost an SS rated ghoul, and if Haise's former self was acquaintances with him, then what was Haise like in the past? Was he anything like the Serpent? He could've been. After all, he was ready to hurt his colleagues and friends once he couldn't control himself. Or maybe...maybe it was him there. Maybe he just doesn't want to accept that was him.

„Haise." Akira's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. „What happened then is in the past. Everyone make a mistake once. Just...don't let it happen again. If you do, we won't have a choice."

 _'But to execute me._ ' he finished the sentence in his head. „Yeah, I know. I won't let it happen again. I'm just glad no one got too hurt." _More like I'm just glad I didn't hurt anyone too much._

„I'm serious. What happened there was **not** you. You wouldn't have tried to hurt anyone. That wasn't you fighting there."

„But, it is a part of me, right? Isn't that the same thing as that being who I am?" Haise replied once he caught up with her and they started making their way out of the park.

„Haise. Listen to me. You do not have to be anything you don't want to." the blonde answered.

„Yeah. I suppose so.", the younger man said after a few moments. "Thank you, Akira."

Akira just nodded. They both kept going in complete silence until they were in the streets crowded with people, both were stuck in their own minds. Sasaki Haise. That's who he is. Maybe that's not who he was, but that's who he is now and that's who he is gonna be from now on. Because he doesn't want to be anyone else. Or maybe...

„I go left here." Akira said when they got to one corner. „I'll see you tomorrow at work. Be careful, Haise."

„Thanks, you too. See you tomorrow, Akira." Haise replied and she was gone and he just stared after her. Maybe he had some important people before, and he wishes he can remember who. But he can't so he makes it his goal to protect those he cares about now. Akira, Juuzou, Shirazu, Mutsuki, Saiko, Urie, they're all important people to him. And he needs to protect those he cares about, right?

He was so lost in his thoughts, he almost walked past chateau. Haise sighed, mentally prepared himself for the unavoidable mess his squad probably made and walked inside. But, to his great surprise, there was no mess. Mutsuki and Shirazu were asleep on the couch, and he guessed Saiko was in her room, playing games as usual. Knowing Urie, he is definitely training somewhere. Haise was very thankful for this little bit of peace because his headache has returned and the quinx squad usually made it worse. So, after making sure there was no fire or something like that while he was gone, he walked to his room and fell on the bed from exhaustion. Today's meetings were hell, the pounding in his head wouldn't stop the whole day, plus he couldn't stop thinking no matter how much he tried to. He gathered enough strength to get changed into something more comfortable, a shirt and sweatpants, only to go back to bed. Covering himself with a blanket, Haise closed his eyes and hoped falling asleep will numb the pain he's been feeling the whole day.

 

***

 **Suddenly, he wasn't in the safety of his bed, but someone else's house. There was this little boy and he seemed so sad. And this woman came up and yelled and screamed and hit him and Haise felt that pain, that loneliness. That feeling didn't last very long, as everything became dark and blurry and then, he wasn't in the house anymore, he was in a dark street, and there was no one but this girl who was very close. She was whispering something in his ear, he couldn't understand what. Then, a sharp pain in his shoulder and his mind was filled with one thought '** _ **I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I have to run, I have to run.**_ _**'**_ **His whole body was filled with fear and despair and he ran as fast as he could and he didn't know why was he running nor how did he fall and why did his body hurt so much. His mind was telling him it's over, the end, and in that moment everything went black. But he didn't wake up in afterlife, like he thought, no, he was kneeling on the floor, and this girl was standing above him. He was screaming that he is not a monster, that he is human, and he was crying so hard, he wondered how he was able to breathe. In the very next moment, that picture dissolved and Haise was in complete darkness for a few moments. Suddenly, he was in a chapel, and he was fighting someone with a strong urge to protect. He was losing though and he thought it was over, but that same girl came and helped him and he felt useless again because he failed to protect. Eventually, that scene was gone as well . Haise was running, holding a little girl's hand and all he could think of was that he failed to help her, that if only he did something, things could've been different. After a few moments, that became blurry as well, and he was taking hits from an older man because he had this voice telling him to protect, he has to protect loved ones, even though it hurts him, he just has to. But he can't because he is weak. That didn't last very long either and he found himself watching a girl, the one who saved him, sit in a chair and was she talking about that bird in front of her? Whatever she was talking about, she sounded so sad and so lonely and Haise felt the understanding for that girl because he knew full well how that felt like. But then, he was the one sitting in a chair, in this huge room. But, he was bound and his whole body was on fire. A huge man was asking him what's one thousdand minus seven and Haise was counting even though he couldn't understand why. Suddenly, there was this horrible pain, it hurt so bad and it didn't seem to stop. It just hurt more and more and more and more and more and when it was finally over, it was his head that felt like bursting because it was as if something was running up and down his brain and someone was screaming and crying and begging and maybe it was him, he couldn't distinguish his own voice anymore, his mind was screaming at him that it was his own fault because he is weak and everyone died because of him. Pain stopped eventually. He didn't feel it anymore. No, he felt numb. So numb. The only thing he felt was the urge to fight and protect his loved ones. More images passed by and then, the last two scenes. He wasn't sure where he was, but he felt so tired and he just couldn't fight anymore. But then, there was this guy's voice and he was telling him to fight, just one more time, he was asking him to go home. And those words meant so much for some reason. So, he decided, just this one more time, he will fight, for the boy who gave him the strenght to. The boy who was gone by the time Haise had his mind in order. And the final scene was there, he was fighting with all he had. He was fighting because he promised he will, because he has to protect. And then, he couldn't fight anymore and he was on the ground, and he felt intense pain in one side of his skull and he screamed and then the other side as well, and then, there was no more. The world went black, and all he could think about was how it was his fault he failed because he was too weak to protect.**

********

 

Haise woke up with a start, sweating the most he has in a while, gasping for air like a fish in desert. He felt immense pain in his head, but he couldn't even focus on that. No, all he could think about were those people, those images. How he didn't understand any of it, and all those scenes brought him so much pain, as if it wasn't just a nightmare. Maybe the nightmare was real. Maybe that nightmare was his life. His heart was pounding so hard that he almost missed the knock on his door. He tried to compose himself enough to answer.

„Yes?" he breathed out somehow, his voice coming out shakier than he wanted it to be.

„Mr. Sasaki? Is everything okay? I heard something and I was a bit worried. Can I come in?" came Mutsuki's voice.

„Oh, uhm, I'm fine. Sure, just give me a minute." he replied and stood on shaky legs. Taking a few deep breaths, he swallowed a lump in his throat that was giving him troubles speaking. „Okay, you can come in."

And Mustuki came inside and closed the door behind himself. He looked over at Haise, looking rather worried. „Mr. Sasaki, is everything okay? You look like you were fighting for your life instead of sleeping."

Kind of felt like that for Haise, too, „Yes, I am fine. Just had a bad dream, it's nothing I can't deal with."

„Oh." Mutsuki said, not very convinced. Still, he knew better than to question his mentor. „Well, I'm glad everything's okay."

„Yeah. Your skills must be improving if youve heard something from all the way downstairs." the said mentor said with fake enthusiasm, trying to change the subject.

„I like to think I'm improving, thanks. Well, I should go wake Shirazu up now. See you later, then." The boy with an eyepatch said as he let himself out of the room.

 

 

Haise was never more glad to be alone. He was still shaking, sweat basically dripping down his body, his head hurting like hell and his mind was having a hard time processing what even was that dream. After a few minutes, he decided a warm bath would help him. He took a towel, grabbed a pair of clean underwear and trousers and went over to the bathroom. He let the warm water flow into the bathtub as he took off his clothes. Once that was out of the way, he decided there was enough water and lowered his body in it, trying to forget everything.

He wondered were those people he dreamt about important to him once. The memories, was that his life? Because if it was, he sure as hell is glad he can't remember all that. He hoped those people had good lives, wherever they were. Maybe it's better this way. Those memories weren't his. He is Sasaki Haise. Those memories aren't of his life. That's someone else's life. His life was one of a ghoul investigator. Whatever that was, it wasn't him. Or so he kept telling himself as the water helped him relax. He kept saying that he doesn't want to remember because that wasn't and will never be him. And no matter who asks, Haise would never admit to that little part of his heart that ached with sadness of forgetting those once important to him, that side of him that was screaming at him to protect, that voice in his head that was telling him to stop pretending and running from his past because that _was_ and _is_ who he really is even though he tries to deny it, that piece of his soul that wanted to remember.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked that! This is one of the first things I have written, so I will try to improve :)  
> Do leave some comments if you have any complaints and i will try to improve.


End file.
